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How It Helped Me Cope

by Nancy, mom to Emma

Emma was not yet 5 months old when my husband, Michael, was killed in a car accident. As you can imagine, this was a horrible thing to deal with.

One of my first reactions was panic that I would have to go back to work and that it would affect our nursing relationship. (Luckily, my husband made wise financial decisions and I will be home for at least 7 years.)

I think that my supply was affected by shock that first day or two. Emma nursed almost non-stop. Then again, it could have been something else. It could have been that she needed to stay connected to me in that chaotic time. It could have been that she knew that I needed her close by me. I am so glad she did. I believe it kept me from going crazy.

Because of nursing Emma, I could not allow myself to sink to the depressing depths that I wanted to. I had a baby who needed me, which meant that I needed to care for me. So, in a round about way, breastfeeding saved me.

I have had numerous communications with my husband since he died. The very first one, however, was about nursing! It was about 36 hours after I found out that he had been killed. I hadn't eaten. All of a sudden I knew to close my eyes and be very quiet. Without a doubt, I heard him say to me "Nancy, you've got to eat. Emma needs you to. Eat, and then nurse." I opened my eyes and gobbled up two sandwiches while nursing Emma.

It has been almost 5 months since he died and Emma is almost 10 months old. We are still nursing all day and night. I am so glad that I can be connected to the living legacy of my husband in this very intimate, very natural, very perfect way.

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