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Militant Breastfeeding Cult

A Change of Heart

by Tonia Signor

When in college I did a psych paper on breastfeeding. I figured it was the first thing a mom needed to know when she became a mom. I always knew I would breastfeed, and I just thought it would come naturally. My sister-in-law had a baby long before I. It didn't come naturally for her--after several lc visits, and many tears she resorted to formula. I thought she was just not determined enough. My best friend from college became a breast-feeding nut in my opinion at the time. She nursed her 2 1/2 year old and 18 month old at the same time--and gasp belonged to a La-Leche League group. When God finally saw fit to allow me to become pregnant I knew I would breastfeed. It was the natural thing to do. And it would be easy--because it was the natural thing to do (right)

Breastfeeding did not come easy. 10 minutes after my daughter was born she had her first nurse---laying on me still attatched to me--it was instant love. My nipples were a touch inverted and I would twiddle them in my fingers for her to latch on--seemed to be okay. A lc stopped by asked me if I needed help with anything. "OH know I'm doing fine--breast feedings easy!" I said. 10 hours later Kaylin was starting to struggle with the latch---I asked the nurse what to do she said the twiddling was great--and heres some plastic shields to help bring out your nipples. They were the nastiest things in my opinion I was not impressed, but I did it for my baby.

Fastforward 3 days. My milk is coming in--engorgement is supposed to be painful it wasn't. My baby absolutely won't latch on. She's tossing her head back and forth screaming at the top of her lungs. I call my midwife who promised she would help if I had problems. I got the receptionist--she said "we don't do that" here's the Lc number. I got off the phone and started bawling. I did not want to go to a complete stranger and have them stare at my breasts. My husband is looking on with sympathy--but no great advice.

Finally he called the LC for me. She was going to be busy all day but we could come in that night at 9:00. I left my older two kids (adopted) with my mil and we went in. Kaylin screaming at the top of her lungs for the whole 20 minute drive. She hasn't eaten in 5 hours. I'm crying the whole way in. LC has me strip to the waist in a very open and public waiting room. Nursing staff etc keeps walking in to get stuff out of the fridge and to talk to me as my breasts are exposed to the world. I'm in extreme pain on hard plastic chair--from my stitches and unbeknownst to me dislocated tailbone. She looks at my breasts and says your engorged. I'd read engorgement was painful--mine wasn't just huge breasts.

So she soaked me in hot towels. Provided me with a pump and I learned to pump. Kaylin still will not latch even though breasts are softer--finally get her to nurse for a little bit, but not great. Finally we leave--lc promising to visit me tomorrow if I need it. I go home pump and pump and pump. Get Kaylin to latch on and she nurses for 45 minutes straight ahhh peace and we sleep.

The next day she starts the head tossing thing again. LC comes out and we try many things nothing works. Finally she suggests I let her suck my finger, and then trick baby into taking the breast as well as my finger...success! I did this for weeks. It was so hard. All my friends went to church and naturally and discreetly latched their newborns on. Me I'm shaking my breast in her mouth trying to get her to clamp down or doing finger maneuvers. I feel like a failure...and like I'm doing something wrong.

But, I keep at it. I hate it however. I don't call LC again cause I hate being exposed to the world. 2 weeks into breastfeeding I'm in tears again. Kaylin has not regained her birth weight yet. My husband and I sit and pray for help. For the first time Kaylin latched on naturally I relax a bit--and things go enough better that I think I can make it.

My 2 older kids 22 mths and 2.5 are running me ragged. By 6 weeks Kaylin is plump, but I'm running on empty. I hate breastfeeding. Every time I get Kaylin latched on one of them is into something. I'm so frustrated. This continues for several months. Kaylin will only eat for minutes at a time 'cause I have to keep unlatching her to get a big kid out of the toilet, the garbage etc. Finally about 4 months my sister suggests videos. I hate tv but I'm exhausted I start doing a video everytime I need to nurse. My kids are getting tv eyes but Kaylin's eating.

I still hate breastfeeding! I can't relax and enjoy it...I feel guilty because my older kids are missing out on my time. And I'm frustrated that Kaylin won't stay latched on and do her business. Its on off on off---none of my friends baby's do that why doesn't mine nurse calmly--I must be a terrible mommy.

I just do it because its the best thing for her--but not thrilled by it. Consider weaning her about once a month from 6 months on. At 10 months I've had it I'm not doing this anymore...I'm no good at it. Everytime I nurse in front of my sister she criticizes well she unlatched she must be done. (I'm a failure runs through my head) Her baby sucks her dry in 10 minutes and eats on schedule. Mine feeds on demand and seems to always be attatched to me. But she's so happy--and cuddly and cute. Everybody admires how content she seems to be. I loose sight of this somewhere--and just think why can't my baby nurse like everybody elses?

I decide to take a nursing away from her. She starts crying--she's totally clingy--no longer willing to play on her own. I hold her and rock her but refuse to give her the breast. My son starts wetting his pants every 15 minutes I thought he was mostly potty trained. After 5 days of this constant whining my daughter who is potty trained wets her pants 3 times in an hour period. Nobody likes the cranky Kaylin "fine you can have the breast" I say in exasperation. And after 2 days of marathon nursing she's happy and content again.

I'm deciding weaning is not happening--so maybe instead of resenting this I should start enjoying it. I start praying about it. I get on the web and am surfing. I am curious about midwifes--surf Kathlyn Detwilers site and see a link to BF.com. I start reading it. I read the lite-side start laughing my head off. These mommys nurse like me not like my "perfect" friends. I find the Breastfeeding boards. I start reading about mommys who have bigger problems then me.

I begin to realize I don't have to wean--I can do extended nursing. I start making quiet enquirys around my friends. Discover many of them didn't wean at 1--just closet nursed. I make many friends at bf.com find other bf sites like mbfc. I'm loving nursing. It gives my daughter comfort--my older kids no longer resent me nursing.

My oldest daughter starts thinking she might want to join Kaylin. I've actually let her do it a few times. I'm gasp tandem nursing some times :) And I'm now nursing a 13 month old--with no intentions of stopping anytime soon! And my family--well their getting used to it. :) My husband he says she can nurse until 5 if she wants. My sister she's becoming my best support. Even if she still thinks Kaylin unlatches too much. Well so do I! but hey that's just her way of talking to me in between mouth fulls. And yes she exposes me to the world while we're eating--but breastfeeding is natural and God ordained right? So I'm gonna do it, and enjoy it, and no longer feel guilty that my baby doesn't nurse the ways others do.

We have our own system and it works great. I love my babies all of them and will enjoy this time for all too soon they will be gone.

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